Moment of Stillness

She walk towards the smoking balcony. She needs to step out of the office for a few minutes; clear her head for a moment. She's been seating in her desk for almost two hours, trying to focus on her task at hand. But she's not able to fully concentrate on it.

She lights a cigarette; look around the area. The trees were all still. Everything was still. The weather truly is unpredictable. A couple of hours ago, it was raining. The wind was blowing swiftly with the rain. And now, everything is so still. The leaves of the trees are very still. No birds in sight. Nothing is moving.

The stillness made her feel uncomfortable. She finds it strange. It seems as though the earth stood still. As though the time stopped; everything stopped. For a moment there she felt a little scared. But as she continues to look around - the trees are still, everything is quiet. It was a very peaceful moment, yet gloomy.

She feels like she's really getting old.

Jhudiel's Thoughts - Life

What if I don't know what I really want? I was trying to figure out why I had to put things off for myself. Maybe the thought that I have sacrificed my personal plans for others is just something that I created in my head, like an excuse. But the truth is there are a lot of factors. Maybe I am afraid, scared, a coward to make decisions or moves that I am not certain of the outcome. I got to comfortable with my way of life to the point that I never want to leave my comfort zone. Or maybe I was too optimistic and left everything else to fate. And it was too late when I realized I should have done things to "help" fate take its course.

There are a lot of things inside my head. One by one, I am trying to figure things out. Hopefully I would be able to realize what it is that I want. I feel that there are still a lot of things that I need to learn, discover about myself... about my life. I was not as smart and strong as I thought I was. I can't help feeling pressured; I feel that I am running out of time. It would soon be too late for me to make it better or to change it.

I envy those who knew from the beggining what they want to do with their lives. You are one of them Gabby. All the things that you have been through, all the things that you did are all part of your plan. These things and happenings you went through did not happen by accident; you planned it, everything about it. And I am happy for you. Honestly, I never thought of it that way before. I always thought and feel that you need someone to keep you focused. Or maybe you really got that someone already, she is keeping you focused.

Fallen Leaf

She is not sure what is happening to her (again). The feeling of being lost is still in her heart. She is not sure where to go; which path to take; and what direction to choose.

She's like a fallen leaf. Blown by the wind down to the river. As she falls down, the flowing water of the river carries her away. She has no idea where the current is taking her. She is just floating. She is not resisting the forceful river nor swimming with the free-flowing water. She floats. Farther away from the tree. Farther away from where she used to belong. She can no longer be part of that tree anymore. Ever.

Like a fallen leaf, it seems now, she can't do anything anymore. She used to belong. She used to be part of something; someone. But like the fallen leaf, she can never be part of that whole again. Like a fallen leaf, she is lost; she has no sense; she has no life. She is dead.

photo credits here

-FIRST COMMENTER-

Getting Old

01 October 2009

I feel like I am really getting old. My mind's been restless for the last couple of weeks. My body's tired; always wishing its Friday again, although I am aware that its just the start of the week. My patience continues to deminish.. fast..hmm.. faster than before. And there are things that I now consider as a waste of my time. Little things that I used to love doing; I used to enjoy doing.

I was talking to my nephew this morning. He's in the US, and he said he can't sleep. I told him that I am scared of getting old. And he told me, "Tita that's a sign.. a sign of wisdom". I asked him how is that so? And he answered, "older means more experience".

Still can't figure out what's been eating me. Is it really about getting old? Getting old alone? Or is it because I feel that there's more that I need to do; there's more that I have to do; there's more that I want to do? I better sleep now. Maybe I just need to rest, my mind, and my body. Perhaps I am just tired.

Jhudiel