New Jhudiel's Journal

I am planning to change the theme of this blog. It will remain an online journal, but the topics and features will be different. It will no longer share thoughts and sentiments about a special friendship. I feel that these special thoughts and sentiments for this very special friendship are better treasured inside ones heart and to remain unspoken. The heart never forgets; a better place to your most treasured thoughts, feelings, memories.

Anyway, I was thinking of making this blog like a bucket list blog. It would be like a journal of all the things that I want to do, to accomplish or to experience before I kick the bucket. It would somehow keep me focus (I hope) (big grin); and make sure that I am living life to the fullest.

I am still thinking about it though. I am not sure if can keep up with it (big grin).

Moment of Stillness

She walk towards the smoking balcony. She needs to step out of the office for a few minutes; clear her head for a moment. She's been seating in her desk for almost two hours, trying to focus on her task at hand. But she's not able to fully concentrate on it.

She lights a cigarette; look around the area. The trees were all still. Everything was still. The weather truly is unpredictable. A couple of hours ago, it was raining. The wind was blowing swiftly with the rain. And now, everything is so still. The leaves of the trees are very still. No birds in sight. Nothing is moving.

The stillness made her feel uncomfortable. She finds it strange. It seems as though the earth stood still. As though the time stopped; everything stopped. For a moment there she felt a little scared. But as she continues to look around - the trees are still, everything is quiet. It was a very peaceful moment, yet gloomy.

She feels like she's really getting old.

Moment of Happiness

Happy today (smiles). Thank God. Another blessing for Jhudiel.

"It is possible", she thought.

She has found that someone who can make her smile.
She has found that someone that can change her sadness into gladness.
He inspires her.
He has the other half piece of her heart.

She is happy today. Surely now he has the other piece. The future maybe uncertain; but she remains calm.

Cease the moment of happiness; and no worry about tomorrow.

Happiness.

Jhudiel's Thoughts - Life

What if I don't know what I really want? I was trying to figure out why I had to put things off for myself. Maybe the thought that I have sacrificed my personal plans for others is just something that I created in my head, like an excuse. But the truth is there are a lot of factors. Maybe I am afraid, scared, a coward to make decisions or moves that I am not certain of the outcome. I got to comfortable with my way of life to the point that I never want to leave my comfort zone. Or maybe I was too optimistic and left everything else to fate. And it was too late when I realized I should have done things to "help" fate take its course.

There are a lot of things inside my head. One by one, I am trying to figure things out. Hopefully I would be able to realize what it is that I want. I feel that there are still a lot of things that I need to learn, discover about myself... about my life. I was not as smart and strong as I thought I was. I can't help feeling pressured; I feel that I am running out of time. It would soon be too late for me to make it better or to change it.

I envy those who knew from the beggining what they want to do with their lives. You are one of them Gabby. All the things that you have been through, all the things that you did are all part of your plan. These things and happenings you went through did not happen by accident; you planned it, everything about it. And I am happy for you. Honestly, I never thought of it that way before. I always thought and feel that you need someone to keep you focused. Or maybe you really got that someone already, she is keeping you focused.

Fallen Leaf

She is not sure what is happening to her (again). The feeling of being lost is still in her heart. She is not sure where to go; which path to take; and what direction to choose.

She's like a fallen leaf. Blown by the wind down to the river. As she falls down, the flowing water of the river carries her away. She has no idea where the current is taking her. She is just floating. She is not resisting the forceful river nor swimming with the free-flowing water. She floats. Farther away from the tree. Farther away from where she used to belong. She can no longer be part of that tree anymore. Ever.

Like a fallen leaf, it seems now, she can't do anything anymore. She used to belong. She used to be part of something; someone. But like the fallen leaf, she can never be part of that whole again. Like a fallen leaf, she is lost; she has no sense; she has no life. She is dead.

photo credits here

-FIRST COMMENTER-

Gone

She was staring at their photo; both of them were smiling. She tries to recall that day; the day when they spend time together. They spent the whole night talking. She remembers it completely; then she smiles.

She continues to stare at the photo. This time, she tries to remember her thoughts that day. She tries to recall how she was feeling. For a while there, she felt startled. She can’t remember. How is that possible? She continues to look at the photo; trying to focus her thoughts to it. She looked at herself in the photo; then she looked at him in the photo. She continues to stare at his photo. Puzzled.

She gazed at him in the photo; from his head, down to his smile. She stared to his eyes as she keeps on trying to remember the feelings. The familiar feeling seemed to be gone. The old feeling of longing is no longer there. Baffled by this unusual emotion, she continues to look at the photo. That’s really odd. How can it be gone? How can she forget? Did she really forget? Perhaps it just fades away, without her knowing. Why?

It is time. It is time for it to go. It is time for it to carry on. It is time to move on. It had moved on. And she was not even aware of its absence, until now. All the while, what she has are memories; good memories. Too good they made her believe that the desire remains and the love continues.

She looks at the photo again; both of them were smiling. Unlike the first time she stares at it, she now sees two old friends…good friends, who just spent another wonderful day together. They got another special memory to treasure and remember.