Habits to Break

I know I have bad habits that I need to stop or at least control (but it would be better to stop). But for now, I am thinking of two habits that I would want to break. Both of them starts with the letter C. I think and I feel that these habits are not really "helping me".

The first one is my vitamin C habit. This magic stick has been my companion for more than 5 years now. And would you believe that my love ones have no idea that I've been a vitamin C user for a long time now. Shhh... its our secret okay? (big grin) Anyway, I was introduced to the magic stick when I first had my heart broken and I had a taste of the corporate life. Reality bites. Ever since then, it has been my companion during heartaches and depressions.

I want to stop using vitamin C slowly. And hopefully, I would be able to totally quit using it by the second quarter of 2010. This C is bad for my health (can't believe I am saying this) (big grin)

The second C habit that I want to break - C for Charming. My "Prince Charming" that is; the love of my life; my destiny, that was all I know and what I believed for a long time. I've been waiting for Charming to realize that. I continued to wish and to hope and to pray. But I guess God's been telling me for a long time to stop wishing, hoping and praying for Charming; I just didn't listen. And I think now is the time to stop waiting (finally!) Yes, I am trying. And hopefully, I would be able to break the habit of thinking about Charming and move on with my life. I am listening now. I know God has been preparing my Prince for me; and his name is not Charming.

I remained friends with Charming. That's how we were and that's how its going to be 'til the end. And I am happy about it. As for my habit of thinking about Charming, I aim to be Charming Free by the end of the 1st quarter of 2010.

Wish me good luck!

Laugh Until You Cry

Laugh hard until I cry. This is one thing that I always want to experience. It is actually a very good thing. Laughing is a good state of emotion; but laughing so hard until you're in tears is truly an awesome state of emotion. You'll feel good and happy (as in the very essence of happiness) after laughing your heart out (big grin).

I was able to be in this state twice since the time I started my bucket list. The first one was on 16 October 2009, with my friend/office mate T. The second one was on 21 October 2009, with T again and with A (they are my friends and office mates).

My friend/office mate T always laugh at me and with me... hehehe... She said that I am funny. Sometimes we would laugh so hard just because we are looking at each other. Whenever I'm with T, we always giggle and laugh together.

I am still looking forward to moments when I would laugh so hard with my friends and love ones, until tears are rolling down my face. Tears of true joy and happiness.

How It Started

The idea of making a list of all the things that I want to do and accomplish came to me last October 2009. I was watching the movie The Bucket List showing in HBO one night and it somehow inspired me to create my own bucket list. In the movie, the man prepared a bucket list because they are sick. Soon they are kicking the bucket. As for me, I decided to create my own because I feel that my life is going nowhere (big grin). Life is short. And I don't want to waste it no more. For the last 4-5 years, I feel like I have been standing on the same ground. All the while I thought, I was doing what it takes to find my place in this world; but for the last 4-5 years, every Holiday season, I find myself on the same situation. Nothing's changed. I am still here. I am what I was 4-5 years ago. And then I would end up asking myself, where have all those years gone? To stop that same thing to happen again, I feel that a bucket list would help me make the most out of my time. And make sure that no time nor day is wasted; that each day is lived to the fullest.

I hope this online journal would inspire others to make their own bucket list. And together, let us journey through life and enjoy it to the fullest. Let this be our gift to ourselves this Holiday Season. New Year, New Life.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Who is Jhudiel?

Perhaps you are wondering, who is Jhudiel?

Jhudiel is actually my Guardian Angel. Archangel Jhudiel.

I was born on a Friday and Angel Jhudiel is God's gift to me as my Guardian Angel.

Archangel Jhudiel is known as the bearer of God's merciful love and also an angel over Friday. He is usually depicted with a flaming heart or the Sacred Heart in hand.

And when the right time comes, when I'll be blessed with a child, I would like to name my first born - Jhudiel. This is one item in my bucket list.

photo credits here

Jhudiel's Journal - My Bucket List

First of all, I want to greet everyone a Merry Christmas! Today is certainly a very special day to all the people around the world. We are celebrating the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And to make this day even more special and memorable to me, I decided to start the new theme for this blog.

Jhudiel's Journal. Share with me this wonderful journey, as I try to live life to the fullest. Each moment will be chronicled. Adventures and dreams will be shared. Memories will be treasured.

May this journal inspire others. May this journal be the witness of how I try to enjoy living before kicking the bucket. This is my bucket list.

New Jhudiel's Journal

I am planning to change the theme of this blog. It will remain an online journal, but the topics and features will be different. It will no longer share thoughts and sentiments about a special friendship. I feel that these special thoughts and sentiments for this very special friendship are better treasured inside ones heart and to remain unspoken. The heart never forgets; a better place to your most treasured thoughts, feelings, memories.

Anyway, I was thinking of making this blog like a bucket list blog. It would be like a journal of all the things that I want to do, to accomplish or to experience before I kick the bucket. It would somehow keep me focus (I hope) (big grin); and make sure that I am living life to the fullest.

I am still thinking about it though. I am not sure if can keep up with it (big grin).

Moment of Stillness

She walk towards the smoking balcony. She needs to step out of the office for a few minutes; clear her head for a moment. She's been seating in her desk for almost two hours, trying to focus on her task at hand. But she's not able to fully concentrate on it.

She lights a cigarette; look around the area. The trees were all still. Everything was still. The weather truly is unpredictable. A couple of hours ago, it was raining. The wind was blowing swiftly with the rain. And now, everything is so still. The leaves of the trees are very still. No birds in sight. Nothing is moving.

The stillness made her feel uncomfortable. She finds it strange. It seems as though the earth stood still. As though the time stopped; everything stopped. For a moment there she felt a little scared. But as she continues to look around - the trees are still, everything is quiet. It was a very peaceful moment, yet gloomy.

She feels like she's really getting old.

Moment of Happiness

Happy today (smiles). Thank God. Another blessing for Jhudiel.

"It is possible", she thought.

She has found that someone who can make her smile.
She has found that someone that can change her sadness into gladness.
He inspires her.
He has the other half piece of her heart.

She is happy today. Surely now he has the other piece. The future maybe uncertain; but she remains calm.

Cease the moment of happiness; and no worry about tomorrow.

Happiness.

Jhudiel's Thoughts - Life

What if I don't know what I really want? I was trying to figure out why I had to put things off for myself. Maybe the thought that I have sacrificed my personal plans for others is just something that I created in my head, like an excuse. But the truth is there are a lot of factors. Maybe I am afraid, scared, a coward to make decisions or moves that I am not certain of the outcome. I got to comfortable with my way of life to the point that I never want to leave my comfort zone. Or maybe I was too optimistic and left everything else to fate. And it was too late when I realized I should have done things to "help" fate take its course.

There are a lot of things inside my head. One by one, I am trying to figure things out. Hopefully I would be able to realize what it is that I want. I feel that there are still a lot of things that I need to learn, discover about myself... about my life. I was not as smart and strong as I thought I was. I can't help feeling pressured; I feel that I am running out of time. It would soon be too late for me to make it better or to change it.

I envy those who knew from the beggining what they want to do with their lives. You are one of them Gabby. All the things that you have been through, all the things that you did are all part of your plan. These things and happenings you went through did not happen by accident; you planned it, everything about it. And I am happy for you. Honestly, I never thought of it that way before. I always thought and feel that you need someone to keep you focused. Or maybe you really got that someone already, she is keeping you focused.

Fallen Leaf

She is not sure what is happening to her (again). The feeling of being lost is still in her heart. She is not sure where to go; which path to take; and what direction to choose.

She's like a fallen leaf. Blown by the wind down to the river. As she falls down, the flowing water of the river carries her away. She has no idea where the current is taking her. She is just floating. She is not resisting the forceful river nor swimming with the free-flowing water. She floats. Farther away from the tree. Farther away from where she used to belong. She can no longer be part of that tree anymore. Ever.

Like a fallen leaf, it seems now, she can't do anything anymore. She used to belong. She used to be part of something; someone. But like the fallen leaf, she can never be part of that whole again. Like a fallen leaf, she is lost; she has no sense; she has no life. She is dead.

photo credits here

-FIRST COMMENTER-

Gone

She was staring at their photo; both of them were smiling. She tries to recall that day; the day when they spend time together. They spent the whole night talking. She remembers it completely; then she smiles.

She continues to stare at the photo. This time, she tries to remember her thoughts that day. She tries to recall how she was feeling. For a while there, she felt startled. She can’t remember. How is that possible? She continues to look at the photo; trying to focus her thoughts to it. She looked at herself in the photo; then she looked at him in the photo. She continues to stare at his photo. Puzzled.

She gazed at him in the photo; from his head, down to his smile. She stared to his eyes as she keeps on trying to remember the feelings. The familiar feeling seemed to be gone. The old feeling of longing is no longer there. Baffled by this unusual emotion, she continues to look at the photo. That’s really odd. How can it be gone? How can she forget? Did she really forget? Perhaps it just fades away, without her knowing. Why?

It is time. It is time for it to go. It is time for it to carry on. It is time to move on. It had moved on. And she was not even aware of its absence, until now. All the while, what she has are memories; good memories. Too good they made her believe that the desire remains and the love continues.

She looks at the photo again; both of them were smiling. Unlike the first time she stares at it, she now sees two old friends…good friends, who just spent another wonderful day together. They got another special memory to treasure and remember.

Getting Old

01 October 2009

I feel like I am really getting old. My mind's been restless for the last couple of weeks. My body's tired; always wishing its Friday again, although I am aware that its just the start of the week. My patience continues to deminish.. fast..hmm.. faster than before. And there are things that I now consider as a waste of my time. Little things that I used to love doing; I used to enjoy doing.

I was talking to my nephew this morning. He's in the US, and he said he can't sleep. I told him that I am scared of getting old. And he told me, "Tita that's a sign.. a sign of wisdom". I asked him how is that so? And he answered, "older means more experience".

Still can't figure out what's been eating me. Is it really about getting old? Getting old alone? Or is it because I feel that there's more that I need to do; there's more that I have to do; there's more that I want to do? I better sleep now. Maybe I just need to rest, my mind, and my body. Perhaps I am just tired.

Jhudiel

PBWeekend: My First Meme

26 September 2009

It was raining hard since Friday. According to the news, there is a typhoon approaching Manila and areas in Luzon, Philippines, and it is expected to pour this weekend. It is a good thing that we stayed home. The electricity was cut out. There is nothing to do but to wait and try to keep yourself busy with other things.

I decided to play with my guitar for awhile. I know a few songs; and somehow memorized their chords. But after a couple of songs, I stopped. I tried using the song book we got, but it was too dark for me to see the writings. And so, I got my camera instead and take pictures of my guitar and the candle light on top of our table in the living room. Its time to play with the macro feature of my camera. I also took some experiment shoots using a flash and shoots without a flash. Photography is really something fun and relaxing to do.

I will share these photos to my blogs. I was invited by SassyMom's Life to join her new Monday Meme. It is called the PixelBug Weekend. This is my first time to join Meme's like PixelBug Weekend. I hope they'll like my photos.

Jhudiel

Their First Goodbyes

It was just an ordinary day for Jhudiel. She was enjoying the rest of her vacation days before she goes back to school. Jhudiel is excited about the thought that she is now a college student. But she is also scared of it. She is not sure what to expect.

Jhudiel was unaware that she is in for another surprise from her dear friend Gabriel.

Gabby paid her a visit. He was there in her house to say goodbye. His Mom was able to complete all the papers for their migration to the United States. And anytime soon, they will be leaving. Gabby asked her to promise to keep in touch. He asked for her phone number; and he asked for the address and phone numbers of their other classmates.

He promised to keep in touch with her, no matter what happens.

Jhudiel was happy for his friend. But at the same time, she is also sorrowful. Her only guy friend, who is very close to her, is now going away. He would be miles away from her. She remembered her very first thought about Gabby again. And something inside her now is saying, “this is all part of God’s big plan.”

For a moment there, Jhudiel felt strange. Notwithstanding the fact that her dear friend is moving away, there’s a grain of relief she felt within her heart, soothing the sorrow inside her. Somehow, she feels that their friendship will keep on; it will remain.

Back to Normal

20 July 2009

I just got out from a meeting when I saw a message from Gabby. He is online. We were able to chat a little. He was again using his mobile phone to connect to the internet and chat. During that moment, as I walk back to my desk, I was actually thinking of him. I was hoping that he would be online when I check my computer. And yes, he was.

Thinking about it now, I suddenly felt scared. I told myself that I should not get used to him being always online. And us always talking again. I am scared that I might get affected (again) when the time comes that this chatting and talking things would stop. I need to constantly remind myself that these things that are happening now are all normal happenings between friends. There would not be and there must not be any unusual expectations; unnecessary thoughts and reactions. Everything is back to normal. We are now enjoying our walk to the new path of friendship.

Jhudiel

The First Ordeal

Graduation is just around the corner. It has been a while since Jhudiel spoken with Gabriel. She has not seen him in class since the last day of their final exams; until she finally saw her with the rest of the boys in their class. They were able to exchange “hellos” and he mentioned something about being busy helping her mom preparing some important papers. That was the last time they spoke. She did not saw him during the graduation ceremony. Jhudiel was not even sure if he was present during the ceremony.

A few weeks after their graduation ceremony, Jhudiel was surprised to receive a mail from Gabriel. She was really astonished... and happy. Gabriel’s letter shares the story why he’s been very busy after their final exams. He was helping her mother prepare their application papers for the United States Embassy. They are migrating to the US; and they might be staying there for good, with his Dad.

Jhudiel was not sure how she felt at that moment while reading Gabriel’s letter. Happiness still dwells inside her; brought about by this pleasant surprise from her dear friend. But there is also something inside her that made her feel a bit perplexed; and she suddenly remembered the first thought she had during the first time she saw Gabriel in class.

And now, the letter bears the first ordeal of Jhudiel and Gabriel’s friendship. They are going to part ways soon. And what’s tough about it is they are going to be miles and miles apart; away from each other. The long distance would definitely matter to a friendship that is just beginning.

Smiling and Blushing

17 July 2009

We had a chance to chat again today. It was already late actually; I was trying to finish something in my laptop. I was surprised that he was online. He just woke up, he said. It was around 7am on his side of the planet; and around 11pm on my side.

The connection was a little bad. He is using his mobile phone. And so the messages are delayed. Anyway, I just want to take note of the words he told me during the course of our online conversation. They made me smile… and blush, hehe… I just want to take note of it, that’s all… nothing more. I just want them to be part of our memories.

- He seemed worried when I told him about this little accident I had that morning. I can feel how he cares for me when he asked me if I was hurt. He told me that I should always be careful.

- I was one of his priorities; I am part of his priorities.

- And when I said good night to him, he said “good night”, gave me a kiss (mwah!) and said “love you”.

I don’t want these word get into my head (nor into my heart) for I am pretty sure what would be produced out of it. I have a crazy mind and very disturbed emotions. It is capable of manufacturing superfluous thoughts and emotions; that would later on make simple things complicated.

These are just simple, caring words and gestures from a special friend to her dear friend. Nothing more.

Jhudiel

The Beginning

You can’t say it is love at first sight, because Gabriel was not really that good looking. He is tall, dark and thin. Although Gabriel has an amazing eyes and nice lips; but still it was not love at first sight. But something about this boy that caught the heart of Jhudiel. From the first moment she saw him in class, there’s this little voice that spoke inside her saying that this boy will forever be part of her life. As Gabriel was trying to weasel his way out of the conversation with their teacher for not having his homework in history, the strange thought continues to linger inside her mind. She was a bit confused for having that thought. How can this boy be forever part of her life, when they are not even talking and he does not seem to know that she exist; he does not seem to notice her.

But as the days pass by, Jhudiel suddenly found herself being friends with Gabriel. They talk during break time. They talk about their classes, especially their history class. They love to talk about their teachers; the funny things the class does to their teachers and to their own classmates. And in each day that passes by, a certain feeling of likeness and love started to grow inside her. But something inside her is also telling her not to take notice of these superfluous emotions that’s been sprouting inside her heart. They are just friends. And that is how it is going to be. This is the first time (and probably the only time) she had a guy friend that she can talk with while she’s being herself. In other words, she feels comfortable with Gabriel. They can talk about anything; she is not afraid to show him her true self. Their friendship has already reached a certain point where they already share personal details about their lives. Both of them find comfort from each other whenever they talk about their personal issues and problems. They are like brother and sister.

“This is how it is going to be,” Jhudiel thought. Maybe that was the voice inside her head was pertaining to. This boy will forever be part of her life because they are going to have a special kind of friendship. A friendship that will last a lifetime.

photo credits : www.samhsa.gov/

Jhudiel and Gabriel

Jhudiel and Gabriel are best of friends. They met during their senior year in high school. Gabriel is a transferee to Jhudiel’s school. And like Gabriel, Jhudiel is also a transferee to the star section. She used to belong to the 2nd highest section; but for that year, the school implemented the system of putting all the top students in one class – the star section class. Both of them are “aliens” to their classmates. And this common thing about these two totally different individual, is actually the beginning of their friendship. It is the seed of a wonderful and interesting friendship.

photo credits: http://www.my-counseling-site.com

A Moment of Truth

12 July 2009

I am happy today. I was able to talk with Gabby this afternoon regarding my thoughts about our friendship. He said that I should not be thinking that way; that we would be able to catch up for the lost times, little by little. He admitted that there's a lot of things that I still don't know about him. Things that happened to him between now and since the time we parted ways; the changed that happend to him and to his life for the last 10 years. And then he said, "I'll forever be part of your life so you'll know me little by little". He also admitted that he has fears in his heart, that I would not accept this changes and that I would disown him as my best friend or reliquish our friendship. Somehow I felt sad hearing this. It seems that Gab does not have an idea how important he is to me; how special our friendship is to me. I told him that. He expressed his fear that he never want to lose me. And that he believes that everything has a purpose and everything has a right place and a right time.

We talked more about small, trivial things. He even mentioned something about his observation - people are too busy to pause for a while, look at the sky and appreciate how lovely it looks. Well, he is one of them actually; he's one of the busy people. And that's what I always tell him. He tends to be very impatient and idealistic (I'm not sure if that's a good combination, but based on my observation, it is not).

Before we signed off, I told Gab that he should not be pressured with what I have said about our friendship; about us catching up for the lost times. I can wait for the right time at the right place; until he's ready to show me that changed he told me about; until he's ready to share all those experiences that happened during the time we are not together.

Hmmm... makes me wonder now. What could have happened if I did not stop answering his letters? Things would have been different now... where are those letters by the way... hmmm... now I have something to get busy with tomorrow - look for those letters.

Jhudiel

A Discovery or An Affirmation?

10 July 2009

Gabby is online again today. He said he just got home from work. For today, he was asking a lot about me. He asked about my work. I was surprised with his reaction when I mentioned some things about my work. It seems that it was the first time he was hearing these things from me; when in fact I was able to mention these things to him before. And I remember that I told him about these things a lot of times already. I suddenly felt sad.. disappointed. And I thought, all the while, he never listened to me... to my stories. But I did not tell him that I was disappointed. I just continued talking to him. Telling him more things about my work. We even talked about my health and my financial status. I am, somehow, can be considered as the breadwinner in the family. Anyway, as we continue with our talking, my disappointment grew. There are things he said about me that made me stop and think - this guy does not know me. We surely have grown apart. Drifted away from each other for a long time, we do not know each other anymore.

There are things he said about me that made me realize that he really does not know me that well... not anymore. It seems that he was wedged with the idea of Me when we were still teenagers... when we were still seeing each other in school; when he was still near.

I am also guilty of this too. There are certain or should I say important things about him that I do not know. Unlike Gab, I am trying to discover these things about him; I am trying to reach out and catch up, knowing that we drifted apart. It has always been my prayer - a chance to be with Gab again. Spend time with him, just like old times. Talking about everything. I always pray for a chance to spend time with him, catching up for the lost years. Unfortunately, it remained an unanswered prayer.

I am not sure why he would not let me in again. Sometimes I feel that he never let me get in at all. Well, that's another story. I will write about it soon.

Jhudiel

Keeping Away from the Truth

09 July 2009

I was not able to sleep well last night. I am not sure what's keeping me from going to sleep. I am not sure if its because of what happened yesterday. Somehow, I guess, I was thinking if Gabby would be online again and if we would still chat again. And I was also not feeling well; I fell like I am going to have a flu. I was not sure what time I was able to sleep; but I was up early.

Well, I was surprised that Gabby was online again. I said hello and he replied. We talked for a few minutes. I'm happy talking to him again. But I must admit, I still can't help thinking of those unanswered questions that we chose not to talk about. I am still trying to hearten myself that I have to live it alone; and let time reveal the answers.. let time reveal the truth. There things that are better left unspoken; that are better left unknown especially if it would bring heartbreaks and pain.

Hopefully, I would be able to contain this longing for truth. Although there are times when I think of our situation, I would sometimes feel that it is really better to leave the past behind... to totally let go of the past and never look back.

Got to sleep now. I really don't feel good. I got a flu.

Jhudiel

Starting Over

After eating dinner, Jhudy went to her room. She pullout her journal from the shelf; got her favorite pen from the case and started writing to her journal.

08 July 2009

I received an email from Gabby today. It was a reply for my email to him last night. He was apologizing for not keeping his promise; for not saying goodbye before he left for the states again. He was saying how ashamed he is for what he did; for hurting me (again). He also said that I am the only person that understands him most and it made him feel more ashame for hurting me. What really got me was the first words of his email - "you are always my Jhudy". And that he misses me.. he misses his friend.

Yes. Friends. Always has been and always will be.

And as I was preparing my reply to his email, an IM window popped out of my screen. It was him, saying hello. We were able to chat a bit. He apologized again and I reiterated that he broke his promise.. we even had a pinky-promise thing before we part ways.

I am glad that we are talking again. And I am glad that we agreed to forget about what happened. Surely I would want to know the truth.. to confirm my idea of what happened and what is really happening; but I guess this aint the right time to talk about it. Time will tell when. Until then, the friendship remains.

He was protecting me from getting hurt; he was protecting me from himself. I would like to keep these thoughts in mind. Somehow, it makes me feel important... it makes me feel special, and loved. I know how selfish and dishonest he can be. But I also know that deep inside this selfish, dishonest man, there's a soft spot.. an emotional spot.. there's a grain of love for me... love for a friend and more.

I was not able to finish my reply email to him since he popped out; but I emailed it to him still. I just continue what I had to say to him through our chat. It was a different "chat" if I may say so. Different from our usual chats. Its special. I was able to feel that we are "understanding" each other. No need for descriptive words, nor elaborated details. I know, somehow, we agreed on one thing. Both of us does not want to talk about it... we just want to start over. We just want to keep the friendship alive. And again, only time will tell.

Jhudiel

She put the cap of the pen back and put the pen back to the case. She closed her journal and put it back to the shelf.